Survival Whorer
by ResidentDumAce
Summary: Get ready for the most realistic Resident Evil fanfic.


1998 July

Raccoon Forest

It was another cloudy summer night in Raccoon Forest. Silence of the nature was disturbed by the loud sounds of the main rotor and helicopter blades cutting through the air.

There were 6 people inside the deck of the helicopter, wearing all kinds of different colored uniforms and vests, looking more like a last minute organized clown group than what they actually were - a special operations force.

One of the tall and swole looking dude from the team was looking outside with binoculars pressed tightly over his face.

"Alpha team is flying around the forest zone, situated in northwest of Raccoon City, where we are searching for the helicopters of our dumb compatriots Bravo team, who all disappeared and went MIA without even radioing where they landed."

"Um, why are you talking to yourself, Chris?" Pretty thing with big blue eyes leaned over the swole dude's-Chris' shoulder and stared at his face.

"Shut up Jill! I am narrating the operation." Chris pushed her face away with a big gloved hand.

"Chris, you haven't found it?" Slick haired, sunglasses wearing, mofo looking blonde guy yelled over the sound of rotor.

"No, I haven't found it yet. It is strange though, all I am seeing is pitch blackness. Why is it so dark? Is this thing broken?" Chris yelled back.

Pretty little thing with the pretty face - Jill leaned over Chris' shoulder again and plucked the binoculars out of his grip.

"That is because you aren't using it right, you silly. You need to look through from the opposite side" She flipped the binoculars and pressed it lens first onto her face.

"Hmph, so what? Is it working now?" Chris crossed his arms and looked away.

"…No. It really must be broken." Jill pouted and returned the binoculars back to Chris, only to have it taken again from him by the sunglasses wearing, douchebag.

"That is because you haven't taken the covers of lens, you idiots!" Douche yelled at them before taking the covers off. He started looking around with the thing.

"Wait…it is still all black. What is wrong with it? Why can't I see anything when I look outside?" He started freaking out.

"Captain Wesker, sir. You are still wearing your sunglasses, maybe that is why?" Red bandana wearing guy, who looked like someone that would die first in a horror story asked with an unsure tone.

Rotor's sound filled the silence as the blonde mofo looked at his teammates and went "…oh."

Fat guy who was wearing a red vest and despite all the ongoing chaos, sleeping in the uncomfortable seat, munched his lips with wet slurping sounds and mumbled loud enough for the others to hear.

"Mmmm…Sandwich…"

He shifted in his seat, his ass pointed towards unsuspecting Wesker, who was taking off his sunglasses.

And then he farted on his face.

Immediately the maladorous stench filled their nostrils and they all dangled their heads outside the helicopter…all but one single poor soul - the pilot.

"Oh, God! What the hell is that?" the pilot yelled back to the deck.

"Bizarre murder cases have recently occurred in Raccoon City, but I think we should be more concerned about our teammate Barry, who can kill a room full of people with one mean fart." Chris started narrating again, while looking back at the fat guy with the red vest - Barry, who seemed to be immune to his poisonous gas problem.

He turned back and continued on looking outside with his partner Jill, who was picking her nose.

"There are outlandish reports of families being attacked by a group of about 10 people. Victims were apparently eaten. Our dumb Bravo team went there alone and disappeared without calling for help." Chris continued with the narration.

Jill slapped the back of his neck before pointing towards a rising plume of smoke.

"Chris, shut the fuck up and look!"

"I see it. Go wake Barry up. I'll report this to Captain Wesker."

* * *

Soon the Alpha team was on the ground and looking over the remains of the helicopter that carried Bravo team.

"It was Bravo team's helicopter. Nobody was in it but strangely most of the equipment was still there…speaking of equipment, you might think it is stupid for us to come down here with only pistols and leave all our fancy stuff inside the helicopter, but Captain Wesker-" Chris's narration was cut short by Wesker.

"Chris. You go scout ahead with Jill and I will take care of this area with Barry." Wesker ordered.

"Roger that, Captain! Man I have always wanted to say that." Chris saluted before marching off without waiting for Jill.

"Chris! Wait for me." Jill put a hand over her oversized beret to stop it from falling and ran after him.

"Wait, what about me, captain Wesker?" Red bandana guy asked.

"Hm? Um, oh..." Wesker scratched his ass, while looking around "How about you go check those tall, ominous looking grasses, eh Joseph?"

"Sir, yes sir!" Red bandana guy - Joseph saluted enthusiastically before marching off.

Wesker waited a little for the others to wander off before turning back to Barry with an evil smile.

"Heh, they fell for it. It is time to initiate the 2nd phase of our super secret plan. Start working on it Barry."

"Hmph. I never wanted it to come to this, but I guess have no choice." Barry grunted before pulling out a small lunch bag from his back pouches.

"Of course you have no choice. You wouldn't want your wife to know about your classified sandwich diet now, would you? In Mia's sandwich shop no less?"

"Okay, okay Geez. You made your point." Barry looked at his lunch bag, which had rainbows and flowers on it, with teary eyes before opening it and giving Wesker one of his delicious looking sandwiches.

Wesker snatched it from his hand hungrily and immediately stuffed his face with loud 'nom-nom' munching sounds.

"Heh, heh. Wesker wins again." He said, while slurping mayonnaise from his fingers.

* * *

Joseph's voice grabbed their attention.

"Captain Wesker, sir! I found something."

Soon they all gathered around the Joseph, who knelt to inspect…the meaty thing.

"Wait a minute! Is that a hotdog?" Barry shoved his teammates aside and grabbed it before anyone could stop him.

When he slowly raised the meaty thing from the ground to check if it was still edible, everyone gasped in horror.

"It is a hand!" Jill shouted.

Barry dropped the severed hand with a yelp and fell back on his big ass, but the horror was far from over. Dead fingers gave away and showed the long, half eaten meat they were clutching.

"Hah! I knew I smelled a hotdog. This nose never fails." Barry snapped and pointed at his nose.

"Barry, you dumbass! That is not a hotdog. It is a half eaten weiner!" Chris yelled at Barry before he could pick it up again.

Barry cried out in surprise again and crawled back.

"What could have caused such a thing?" Wesker knelt over the gruesome scene.

"Maybe, he tried to rub one out for the last time before they got to him?" Chris asked, scratching his head.

"Ew, Gross." Jill gagged.

"Aw, shut up Jill. It is not like you haven't seen a dick before."

"Yeah, I see you everyday."

The rest of the guys whistled and made burning sounds. Barry even yelled "Dayum son!"

"At least I am out in the open and not tucked away like the one your hiding in that bush of yours." Chris crossed his arms with a smug smile.

The group turned their attention back to Jill and gave her the questioning look. Everyone knew Chris and Jill were buds. So…

"Stop saying that you idiot. I don't have a penis!" Jill flushed red with embarrassment.

"Oh yeah? Prove it!" Chris dared.

The severed hand long forgotten, everyone nodded and urged Jill to drop her combat pants to prove Chris wrong. Even Wesker dipped his sunglasses low to see clearly.

Suddenly a doggie jumped out of the tall grass and barked at them. Saving Jill just in time.

"Oh hey guys, look. It is a puppy." Joseph went to pet the dog "oh, who is the good boy, you are! You are the good boy!"

"It is a -" Barry burped "-girl. I don't see a ding-dong."

"Huh?" Joseph lowered his head to check and dog snarled at him before jumping on his face and biting his neck. Joseph's screams filled the night and his gun went off. His dumb teammates realized that the dog and Joseph weren't playing a game.

Everyone watched in shock before terrified Barry's fart jolted them out of their daze. They started firing at the dog, but the Joseph was already dead.

"Joseph! Noooooo."

All the gunfire and the smell of fresh prey drew out the rest of the dogs that were hiding in the shadows.

One of the dogs rushed at Chris, who fired off a few shots from his pistol. Stopping it dead on its track. Chris turned back at his teammates and yelled.

"Get to za choppa!"

They all started running to their makeshift helipad and occasionally turning back to fire off a couple shots at charging crazed, evil looking dogs. When they reached their supposed destination, they didn't see a sign of their helicopter. What they found was a stick note on top of their equipment duffel that read

"Brb. Forgot to turn the TV off." with a smiley face and crude doodle of a helicopter with puffy clouds right next to it.

"Goddammit, fuck you and your fish brain, Brad!" Chris yelled at the note.

"At least he had the sense of leaving our equipment behind." Jill said.

"You call him leaving STARS grade firepower out in the open a smart move, Jill?" Wesker questioned before sounds of their hungry predators reminded them to hurry the fuck up.

"No time to chit chat! Barry, grab that duffel and let's take shelter in that mansion until Brad arrives." Wesker pointed at the menacing mansion, which looked like something out of a cheesy Dracula movie. "Okay, Time to move everybody. Let's go, Let's go."

They started sprinting towards the mansion with Barry falling behind due to him carrying all the heavy stuff. When they reached the gates they held it open for Barry to go through, while firing at the incoming monstrous dogs.

"Barry, Get your fat ass over here!" Wesker yelled over the gunshots.

Barry tried to climb the stairs 3 at a time only to slip and fail spectacularly. He fell back ass first into the dirt. His lunch bag and the duffel flew out of his grip. Both landing on opposite directions of each other.

Barry looked at the duffel and then looked at his lunch bag. One was filled with all sorts of top grade weapons and spare ammunition, while the other had the most delicious sandwiches known to mankind, hidden inside its plastic confines. Dogs were getting closer to the bags with each passing second. He looked at the bags back and forth. Time slowing down around him. Everything turning black and white. The cries of his teammates encouraging him to grab the duffel slowly being muffled by the angelic voice and glow emanating from the lunch bag. He jumped back on his feet, sprinted towards the bag and grabbed it milliseconds before the mutant looking dog launched itself at the spot, only to get its face blown off with a heavy magnum round from his Colt Python.

"No! My sandwiches!"

He turned back and ran back to the mansion, just in time before Chris closed the gates and the dogs that chased them bashed their heads in while trying to force themselves inside.

Everyone inside the ornate hall gave the death glare to oblivious Barry, who wiped the sweat off his forehead and hugged his sandwich bag.

"That was too close. I almost lost my babies." He muzzled his cheek against it with a happy smile.

"Barry…you are fucking unbelievable. Why would you do that?" Jill slapped her palm at her head, already getting a headache from swirl of emotions.

"Yeah! How dare you not share those sandwiches with us?" Chris asked.

"That is not what I meant, you dumbass. He left all our equipment outside with those…things." Jill yelled at Chris, clearly annoyed.

"You can never understand why, if you haven't tried one of these Jill."

"Everybody, shut the fuck up!" Wesker barked at his squad. "We might still be in a hostile area, so stop your bickering."

As if on cue, the gunshot went off somewhere in the distance and they all looked at one another. Realization dawned on them that they might not be the only people inside the mansion.

"Maybe that was from one of the Bravo team members?" Jill asked.

"Only one way to find, Jilly Beans." Chris looked at her face and answered.

* * *

 **They have escaped into the mansion, where they thought it was safe. Yet-it was only the beginning of their coolest nightmare**.


End file.
